Quoted by
Marina Gask, "According to a recent study seven out of ten UK employees say they've been picked on by bosses or colleagues. Being bullied is humiliating, stressful, embarrassing and can even feel physically threatening – a quarter of those bullied say it's been so bad that it's affected their performance at work. But because we're adults we feel a bit daft asking for help. So how should bullies be handled?
Figure out why they're a bully
Bullies often appear self assured to mask their own insecurities, providing them with a way to exert control, satisfying one of the six human needs - to be significant. Says Confidence & Life Planning Specialist Yvonne Bignall (www.yvonnebltd.com): "Bullies hide their lack of competence and integrity behind a smokescreen, externalising blame at whoever 'fits the bill'. That could be someone who is good at their job, passive, or popular, someone with integrity, or someone who is different (race, religion, culture)".
Question why you're allowing it
Some people allow themselves to be bullied as it is a behaviour they are use to (from childhood, from relationships, etc). For others it is the acceptance of poor behaviour as being normal, especially if others are tolerating it. This can lead to embarrassment over telling someone else for fear of what telling someone else will bring. You may feel you've failed the bully in some way, leading to feelings of guilt and acceptance of the abuse.
Be clear about what bullying is
"Bullying is fault finding, unconstructive criticism, humiliating, being disrespectful, belittling, mimicking and undermining someone else in a bid to hide personal insecurities," says Yvonne. It's also excluding people, ignoring or ganging up on them. Keep a checklist to hand so you can consult it when you feel stressed by the bully's behaviour and your reaction to it. This will help you keep a level head.
Get a second opinion
If you think you are being bullied, it is best to talk it over with someone. Sometimes what seems like bullying might not be. For example, you might have more work to do because of a change in the way your organisation is run, but you may see the enforcement of your extra workload as a form of bullying. Talk to your manager, who might be able to offer simple solutions. Sometimes all it takes is a change in the way you work.
Tackle the problem head on
Says Yvonne: "Assertively approach the bully and say: 'The way you act towards me (give an example) is unacceptable. I want it to stop/I want to be listened to/I want constructive feedback.' State clearly that the matter is closed if they try to belittle you in any way". Find out your company's stance on bullying so that you can be aware of the procedures you need to take if it comes to reporting the bullying behaviour. Start to log conversations, print off memos and emails and keep texts and phone messages.
Let them take it on board
Some people have the kind of teasing sense of humour, or direct way of dealing with things (read: aggressive) that makes others feel uncomfortable, but feels normal to them. Talk to them about their behaviour and how it can be construed, and hear what they have to say. Keep calm and be polite – don't get emotional. This may be all that is needed to keep this behaviour in check.
Become more assertive
It might not be realistic to tackle the bully in your life – especially if they're your boss - so focus on changing your own behaviour. Being assertive will force them to change the way they treat you. Decide that you're going to stop accepting poor behaviour as the norm, and be absolutely clear about what you expect, focussing on what you do want not what you don't.
Don't take it personally
The current economic climate is bringing out the worst in many of us – fear, paranoia, stress and anxiety. Academics have long warned of the link between economic conditions and bullying, with studies in the 1980s and 1990s predicting that workplace competition and the threat of redundancy were most likely to cause an increase. There are any number of reasons why you're being picked on, so don't dwell on them.
Keep calm and unemotional
While bullies tend to be insightful about what makes people 'tick', and how to press their most sensitive buttons, they are often utterly lacking in any empathy, so getting emotional is pointless. If you mention how you feel, a bully will simply tell you that feeling that way is 'wrong' or 'stupid', or that you're being oversensitive. So talk in terms of what you 'think' rather than what you 'feel'.
Work to the bully's strengths
It becomes easier to ignore a bully once you understand that they are acting out of their own insecurities. Try to acknowledge some positive attributes of their character, such as ambition, drive and perseverance. Stick to relating with the bully over their positive areas, where they will feel less vulnerable and threatened – and won't feel inclined to pick on you."